The problem was, he didn't have a flag to lower. The Confederate flag had been removed from the Alabama capitol building back in 1992. The site where Jefferson Davis was sworn in as president of the Confederate States of America in 1861 did not have a Confederate flag anywhere on its premises, causing quite a quandry for the Governor and his faithful aides.
Word had come down from the national party leadership to seize the moment by removing the flag, or anything Confederate, from government buildings. Governor Nikki Halley of South Carolina had just made a lot of political hay by recommending that South Carolina lower its colors. The move was well received in political circles. Party leadership was quick to seize the moment. Word came down that went something like this (we'd surmise):
"This confederate flag thing has caused us Republicans nothing but heartache for years. We've been beat over the head with it too long. This is the moment. If ya'll got anything 'Confederate' around, get rid of it - and take some pictures!"
But poor Governor Bentley didn't have anything. Alabama has been too progressive, too fast acting, having removed the Confederate flag from the cradle of the Confederacy 15 years ago! Oh, shucks. What to do?
How can we remove a flag when we don't have no flag? There was only one thing to do--find a flag and darn quick. A quick survey showed that there simply were no Confederate flags on the capitol grounds, no even one. It seemed there were only two places you were sure to find a Confederate flag or two in our near Montgomery. One place was the Oakwood Cemetery where several confederate veterans or their family members were buried. The other place was, of all places, the Civil War Museum.
I would have given a thousand dollars to have been a fly on the wall at the hastily convened meeting of the Governor's aides. "Well, git your a-- down there an remove that flag from the museum. And on the way back, kick down one or two flags at that cemetery. And take some pictures. Only at the museum. Only at the museum! No pictures at the cemetery, you idiots!"
When it comes time to dip yore colors but you ain't got no colors to dip, you improvise.
The governor probably isn't done. If he isn't laughed out of office for removing a Confederate flag from a Civil War museum, he could go after memorials of southern war dead or statues of heroes standing on nearly every county courthouse in the state. We suppose he could threaten custodians of cemeteries where Confederate dead are buried, since these graves often have Confederate flags placed on graves. We tried to be creative in coming up with other ways Governor Bentley could show his political disdain for all things Confederate. Our ideas include:
- outlaw dictionaries with the word "Confederate" in them
- require schools to re-educate children who like the South
- punish students who speak with a southern accent
- punish teachers who speak with a southern accent
- punish anyone who speaks with a southern accent
- remove all historical markers in the state, especially if they mention a southern general, hero or soldier
- remove caps, hats, uniforms and belt buckles from the Civil War museum
- remove cannon balls, muskets, tents, camp kettles and other artifacts from Civil War museums
- close Civil War museums
- sign an order declaring Alabama to be a non-Southern state
- secede from Alabama and start your own state
- rewrite the history books (Sorry, already done that)!
- Assert that Alabama never fought in the War Between the States
- replace statues at courthouses with statues of Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson or Ralph Abernathy
- Redraw the map to show Alabama further north
- Run up a new Confederate flag so you can remove it next time there is a crisis
- Keep a spare Confederate flag in the governor's desk for future removal emergencies
- Write an emergency manual on how to react if you see "one of those flags" flying on your neighbor's property
- Do anything else stupid you feel like but it won't top removing "that flag" from the Confederate Museum.
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