TOP 10 CONFEDERATE 'THINGS" ENDANGERED BY CONFEDERAPHOBIA (SEE THE LIST)

We put a panel of experts together and tried to figure out other potential targets of Confederaphobia.  Here are things that our panel says may be in danger next.  We are giving these in 10 to 1 order, 10 being relatively safer, 1 being in the gravest danger of the post-modern extremist movement:

10.  BUMBLE BEES - because they are connected to the confederate flag.  Bumble bees fly.  The confederate flag once flew.  Both fly.  See the connection?

9.  THE LETTER C - because it is the first letter in the C-word and you can't spell the C-word without the letter C.  We will need a substitute for the letter C.  Maybe we could user ^ or some other symbol to avoid ^onfederacy.  (Historical fact:  The French tried this very same tactic during the French Revolution, renaming days of the week, months of the hear, holidays, even inventing a new system of measurements to avoid the traditional system).*

8.  CHECKERS - because the game is played on a board with diagonal red squares that resemble a ^federate flag.  You ^an't play ^he^kers without thinking of the ^onfederate flag.

7.  MAGNOLIAS - because of the movie "Steel Magnolias," which had a Southern theme and is bound to raise hateful, racist memories of the ^onfederacy.  Besides, magnolias are a Southern tree. 

6.THE PYRAMIDS - Obviously, these were built with slave labor and stand as constant reminders of slavery and oppression.  Let's call for them to be torn down.  They are, of course, historical and cultural - but built by slaves, nonetheless. They have to go!

5.   THE LETTER X - because the X is actually used on the ^onfederate battle flag and is even more offensive than the letter ^, which has already been blacklisted.

4.  ^HITTLINS - because they were the second most common food in the ^onfederacy.

3.  HARMONICAS - because this was the most widely adaptable and used portable musical instrument by ^onfederate soldiers.  It's music is de facto racist, hateful and offensive. Harmoni^as used by Yankee soldiers could be acceptable provided adequate documentation can be produced that no ^onfederate soldier ever touched them.

2.  MOCKINGBIRDS - because they sing in weeping willow trees over the graves of ^onfederate soldiers.  There was once even a movie titled "To Kill a Mockingbird."  It was set in a Southern (ex-^onfederate) town in Alabama. It was written by Harper Lee, who was born in Alabama (an ex-^onfederate state).   Mockingbirds also fly.  (See Bumble Bees).

1.  CORNBREAD - because it was the official food of the ^onfederacy, fed thousands of ^onfederate soldiers and is still recognized as a Southern delicacy.  You just can't think of ^ornbread without thinking of "that flag," the South and the ^onfederacy.  We debated buttermilk but our panel cannot agree whether it is endangered or not.  We actually think nothing is safe.  Based on contemportary post modern reasoning (or lack thereof), anything can be connected to the ^onfedera^y. 

*HISTORIC FACT: it kind of reminds me of the French Revolution in the 18th Century, during which the enlightened French renamed the days of the week and the months of the year, outlawed traditional measurements and invented metrics to replace feet, ounces, gallons bushels and snorts. The French radicals even made Christmas come during the summer-- anything to break with history or tradition.  I'm trying to think how long it took for all that irrational nonsense to abate.  Some of it never did.